The response I've gotten many times when discussing spending the first two months of the COVID-19-caused shutdown in almost complete isolation is, "Wow, I don't know how you did it." The answer I give back is that, although it's not something I would recommend anyone else do, it gave me the type of challenging environment I needed to work on myself and learn how to be my own hero.
It wasn't until late July that I realized that is who I had been for myself, my own hero. I was reflecting back on my longing at times during those two months for somebody who would show up to carry some of the burden of all that the shutdown entailed.
I had been that person for myself, which is not to undermine the beauty and support of friends and family, but I learned that nobody else can show up for me in the way I can. We each know ourselves better than any other person does, and when we stop looking for someone else to rescue us or validate us, we can live a much more fulfilling, true life.
For me, there were three parts to this process, which happened not linearly but at the same time, slowly. For clarity, I've listed them in order, with the books and people who helped guide my development in these areas. I had to question the messaging I'd received for decades to live more intuitively and intentionally. Just like The Grim in Harry Potter, you're going to be incredibly uncomfortable tearing down the walls that were put around you and coming back to your foundation, but you're also going to be happy about it.
Tear Down all Preconceived Notions
Question every single limiting belief that you have.
We receive so much constant, external input on how to live our lives from the moment we're born. Society, media, friends, family, strangers, etc. all make their thoughts known on how we should dress, spend money, build relationships, pursue careers, and live our lives. Some of this input is incredibly helpful, and some can be very destructive. It's destructive when we internalize critical, limiting thoughts and then begin to believe them when they pop up days, weeks, or years later.
For example, if every single romantic comedy you've ever watched says that you need a relationship to be "whole" or to "find your other half," you'll jump onto dating apps thinking, "Oh, no, I'm not a complete being, and I need someone else in my life." There's nothing wrong with the action of being on the apps, but if the mindset and intention isn't in alignment with what you, at your core, value, you're setting yourself up for failure. This is similar to how a mindless hourlong session on Instagram is draining but an intentional break during which you look at friends' posts can feel uplifting.
What I have found helpful is whenever a negative thought or anxiety comes up is to question it. I grew up near the poverty line, so sometimes spending money on a week's worth of groceries leaves me feeling a bit drained after. When I take a moment and reflect on that feeling, I can work through it, understanding that two decades of being financially concerned will not go away immediately, but I can also then work on training my brain to understand those stressors do not serve me any longer.
Everyone's process for breaking free of these confines will be different, but I found author Glennon Doyle's discussions to be incredibly helpful. In the beginning of her bestselling book Untamed, she tells the story of a cheetah at a zoo that has been tamed by being raised alongside a Labrador Retriever. Glennon had the realization that if a wild, gorgeous animal like a cheetah can be tamed and caged, so, of course, can people. Listening to, or reading, her story can help with realizing the ways we can free our minds.
Recommendations:
Glennon Doyle's podcast episode on Armchair Expert: Listen here
Untamed by Glennon Doyle: Buy on Amazon here
Go Forward with Intuition and Intention
I view both intuition and intention as essential to living the most beautiful version of your life, but I couldn't think of how to connect them at first.
Intuition, to me, means listening to your gut instinct, the inner voice that guides you in what to do. Intention feels like something one puts out into the world, the way in which one shows up for others.
If I were to name the union of the two, I might choose the term "Namaste," the Hindu greeting that says, "My soul acknowledges your soul."
When I allow my intuition to guide me about how to show up in a scenario, I can bring intentionality to my interactions.
In making my decisions, I now know not to silence my intuition, that first immediate reaction. Being more in tune with what I need in a given moment or situation gives me the mental calm and clarity to be more empathetic, especially to friends and those I mentor.
Research professor Brene Brown has done incredible investigations into the power of vulnerability, and I have found that, especially right now, when there is so much uncertainty in the world, it is essential that I show up for people I care about in a more vulnerable way than I would have been comfortable with before.
Recommendations:
Brene Brown's podcast episode on Armchair Expert: Listen here
Brene Brown's podcast episode on goop: Listen here
7.5 Should Be the Goal
Especially as we all have access to the highlight reel of the world on Instagram, it can become very easy to assume that we should be constantly living a larger-than-life, ten-out-of-ten-on-the-Happiness-Scale lifestyle. Even worse, when we fall short of that goal, the feeling of failure for not being completely over-the-moon ecstatic can compound the emotional burden.
Nowadays, I shoot for an average of 7.5/10. That's pretty incredible, and I find that focusing on gratitude and listening to what I need keeps me at that spot.
I was on a panel recently, speaking to female tech interns, and one question the panelists received was, "Do you ever feel less motivated? How do you work through that?" And the answer from all of the panelists was, "Yes, of course!" I was glad to be part of a group that was normalizing this.
Actress Kristen Bell and Glennon Doyle have said that "feelings are for feeling."
Being stressed is not bad. Being less motivated is not bad. It's an indicator that there's something to pay attention to.
Personally, when I'm feeling less motivated, the right way to address this differs on a case-by-case basis. Sometimes, I power through and keep working. Other times, I go on a walk, listen to a good song, or decide it's time to plan a 3-day weekend to look forward to.
Recommendations:
Burnout by Emily Nagoski: Buy on Amazon here
Buy Yourself the [Freaking] Lilies by Tara Schuster: Buy on Amazon here
The above is what worked well for me, and I share it not to be prescriptive but in the hopes that something in this piece resonates with just one person. Self care can become incredibly prescriptive when not discussed the healthiest way, putting forth a list of routines to check off in order to achieve enlightenment. It's not that simple, so my parting advice is simply to listen to and trust yourself. You've gotten yourself this far, and that's pretty powerful.